If you’re a perfectionist, chances are you’ve been told something similar to the following:
- “Stop caring so much, it’s not that big of a deal.”
- “It’s just a (fill in the blank), it doesn’t really matter.”
- “Just relax.”
- “Stop being a perfectionist.”
Sound familiar? Perfectionism gets a bad rap, but perfectionism isn’t always bad. It can be adaptive or maladaptive, depending on what’s driving your desire to achieve and how your perfectionism is affecting your relationships and functioning.
According to Katherine Morgan Schafler, author of The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, perfectionists are very aware of the gap between the ideal and the reality and are highly driven to close that gap. She describes the differences between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism:
Adaptive perfectionism: People who are in an adaptive perfectionism mindset already feel like they are good enough. They’re driven to achieve because they enjoy the challenge and feel excited about what they might accomplish. They don’t believe success or failure in their chosen endeavor is a reflection of their worth. Regardless of the outcome, they still feel worthy.
Maladaptive perfectionism: People who are in a maladaptive perfectionism mindset feel like they aren’t good enough.They connect their self worth to their success or failure. They believe if they succeed they will finally feel good enough, and if they fail it will confirm they aren’t good enough. They’re driven more by the fear of failure than the excitement of accomplishment.
Chances are you’ve experienced both mindsets. According to Schafler, perfectionists can shift between a maladaptive or adaptive mindset depending on the situation, how you’re feeling on a given day, or what else is going on in your life at the time.
So, is perfectionism bad? Nope! When operating from an adaptive perfectionism mindset, striving for perfection can help you learn, grow, and accomplish big goals. It can be an asset! Just make sure you take time to reflect on what’s driving your perfectionism. Try to notice when you’re in an adaptive or maladaptive perfectionism mindset. Here are a few questions to consider: How do you know which mindset you’re in? What are your personal clues? Are there certain life domains or situations that make you more likely to adopt a maladaptive or adaptive perfectionism mindset? What helps you shift into (or stay in) an adaptive perfectionism mindset? I highly recommend all perfectionists read The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control to learn more about their perfectionism and how to work with it.
Interested in learning how to work with your perfectionism with the support of a therapist? I specialize in helping high-performing adults work with their anxiety, stress, and perfectionism and lean into meaningful, values driven-lives. Schedule a free consultation to see if we are a good match.
This blog post isn’t intended as professional counseling or clinical advice. If you’re in need of support, please consider speaking to a professional to be evaluated.